Seeking advice on what to do about sexless marriage is a frequent topic of most relationship forums.
You are often advised to:
- focus on improving relationship with your spouse, perhaps reading “The seven principles for making marriage work” by a famous marriage psychologist, John Gottman
- improve communication,
- spend more quality time together,
- learn each other’s love languages,
- schedule date nights,
- prioritize your spouse vs. kids and career,
- go to a couples counselor or marriage and family therapist.
All of these suggestions are helpful, in fact, most of them I recommend to my intimacy coaching clients myself.
That said, in most cases, these measures alone won’t help you to thrive sexually, and here is why.
The underlying assumption is that once you feel warm and fuzzy with your partner, great sex will follow. And it is the same as believing that “if only you love each other, everything will work out.”
You will be surprised to find out that majority of the couples I work with when asked what was their sex life at the beginning of their relationship tell me that it wasn’t that great. And it is not for the lack of connection or affection.
So, before you decide to throw in the towel and walk away from a sexless marriage, here are 3 areas I recommend you look closely into:
I see couples who communicate really well, they have connected and caring relationships, and yet when it comes to talking about sex, they get paralyzed due to feelings of guilt or shame.
Shame can stand in the way of:
- opening up about your insecurities and thus giving your partner opportunity to reassure and support you
- revealing what turns you on
- trying something new
- asking your partner to pleasure you
- allowing your partner to see and love every part of your body
- fully enjoying yourself ( being as loud, as naughty, as wild as you want.)
It is important to become aware of how shame shows up for you and what kind of limiting beliefs you carry around. Processing and finding a way to let go of all the beliefs that don’t serve you today is crucial on a journey to sexual liberation. It won’t happen overnight, but the more clear you are on what blocks you, the more likely you are to address it.
2. Sexual education and self-exploration
Look for sex- and body-positive resources that will help you get a better idea of what works for you in the bedroom. Here are some things you would want to explore.
3. Body awareness
Whether you are lost in thoughts unable to let go of your to-do list, worried about how you look, what to do next, or distracted by recently viewed porn scenes, retraining yourself to stay present and connected to your body is a mandatory skill. At least if you want to reach your full potential for pleasure and connection.
Understanding yourself and your partner sexually will require your commitment to learning and growing. If you have time to research and already somewhat comfortable with the topics I mentioned, you can certainly do it on your own. Otherwise, seek out the help of a sex coach or sex therapist.